Asking Open-ended Questions.

The best conversationalists are good listeners. But in order to be a good listener you have to have something to listen to. Therefore asking open-ended questions is critical for fostering a conversation that builds rapport. Just remember questions that begin with who, what, where, when, why and how. The answers to these questions aren’t yes or no.

The answers require further dialogue and responses with greater detail. From here you will find plenty of queues to continue the conversation. In Dale Carnegie’s book How to Win Friends and Influence People he references one of the great listeners of modern times, Sigmund Freud. Freud has been described as listening with “concentrated attention.” The attention that he gives when listening, his appreciation of what was said, even when said poorly, was “extraordinary.” “You’ve no idea what it meant to be listened to like that.”

I am second generation Italian, which means I gesticulate when I talk, and I can hold my own in conversation. Although I really enjoy sharing stories to make people feel good and public speaking as it is a forum to inspire people, I remember having people tell me of others that they don’t admire - “he likes to hear himself talk.” When hearing that I made a commitment to myself to never have someone say that about me. So what I do is “hyper-focus” when people are speaking – I quickly try to relate it to something that I have experienced in order to experience, not just listen, to what others are saying. I reiterate sentences like “you mean you accomplished that in one month?” or get someone to repeat something I didn’t fully follow “what was that again?”

The key, however, is that I am not disingenuous in my questions. I sincerely did want further clarification or wanted to know more about something specific.

I remember that one of my defining moments in this regard happened in college. One of my dorm mates was extremely sensitive when listening to others – and when a sad story was related to her she actually cried while listening. At that moment I said to myself that I would strive to really “experience” people’s conversations rather than just listening to them. I equate experiencing the conversation to attaching process to listening. You hear the data and then you process what it would be like if it happened to you. You simply put yourself in the shoes of the person who is talking.

If you have difficulty listening, asking questions to stimulate further dialogue or want to interrupt someone because you don’t want to lose your thought then try these things.

Number one. Ask questions of clarification to show that you are not only listening but processing. With repetition this will become not only natural for you but sincere. Number two. If you have key points that you want to make without interrupting then repeat them to yourself during the conversation (not out loud of course). That way you can make sure to make them when the timing is right.

For a salesperson, for example, a powerful question to ask when negotiating with a prospective client or partner is “how can we work together?” This establishes that you are trying to create a win-win relationship while determining whether there exists a basis to do business.

Ask open-ended questions and not only will your listening skills improve but so will your rapport with others.

Please feel free to post comments.

Suggested reading:

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

blink by Malcolm Gladwell

The Game by Sarano Kelley